Suzy's Gentle Response to My Plea that We Should Take Mom Home for her 90th

Suzy wrote a very kindly worded response to my plea that Mom be allowed to go home for her 90^th birthday celebration.  I was startled and touched  but also agonized by her belief that it just couldn’t work.

From Suzy on September 3, 2011

Before I write a response to your email below, I want you to know the tone of voice I'm saying this in because that's one of the problems with email. Tone of voice can be unclear and meanings can be misinterpreted. So let me say that my tone of voice is very gentle, and everything I write is written with my being fully aware of your absolutely wonderful intentions. Plus, of course, the below is just my opinion, my thoughts.

About Mom's paranoia, and whether it would be a problem if she were again at Poshard: We know that the paranoia crops up. She verbalizes it. Sure, now it's in terms of Kristine or some vague "others," but it's there, and it's pretty frequent, if not constant.And, the thing is, it's not only a question of the paranoia. It's also that it's not safe to leave her alone, and if you're talking about her living again at Poshard, should Kathy really be expected to be there to watch her 24/7?

Also, while I feel for Mother, too, and I'm positive Kathy does too, I'm not at all sure Kathy could take it, and I don't mean just the 24/7 care-giving. I mean the heartbreak of it all. But even more than that, I just doubt Mother would not be paranoid, would not be unhappy, at Poshard or anywhere. It's the Alzheimer's. 

Even if you volunteered to stay the night on the couch, it seems to me that it really is still not quite on you. It's Kathy's house, it's Kathy's forty-plus year relationship. I know you want Mother to have some peace, some happiness, and that's what you're trying to figure out how to provide her, but unless Kathy is onboard, it can't happen. She has spent more than two years now, pretty much the constant care-giver of Mother as she's been a recluse and ailing. Then it turned into almost 24/7 care-giving, even before the fall into the worst of the paranoia. I do think Kathy's feelings and needs need to be taken into consideration. Have you talked about any of this with her directly?

And I'm afraid Mother no longer has the mental capacity to feel less imprisoned at Aegis b/c she's had a day or an overnight, at Poshard. Her brain is going to do what it will do. It wasn't just the medicine; it's the Alzheimer's, and, as I said, the paranoia persists, and her going in and out of bad times still happens regularly. I know how much you want it to be different, how much you want her to be able to experience some happiness, some freedom, but I don't know if that is even a real possibility any longer at all, much less that it could happen at Poshard.

But whatever you and Kathy decide for the 90th birthday party, I will be onboard and give my all to make it very special.

And I also want to say that your dedication to Mother is very heart-warming. Very.