September Discussion: Could Mom Ever Go Home--Maybe for Her 90th Birthday?

            In September 2011, Suzy and I discussed how much of the sadness—particularly in the trauma of Mom’s asking to be taken home—we should share with Kathy, Mom’s partner of more than 40 years and the person who’d done most for Mom—and whose life was affected every waking hour when Mom’s condition got so serious.

            We were both concerned about protecting Kathy.  After all, she had protected US—from the responsibility of being Mom’s full-time caregivers.  Kathy was already retired, but we would have had to give up our jobs—and then what would have happened when we needed around the clock care?

            There were parallels with how Kathy felt about Mom and how Mom had felt about David.  In both cases they were the chief care-takers, the ones whose lives were most affected.  But they were also the ones who bore the most guilt.  That just isn’t fair.

            So was it fair for me to let Kathy know the truth?  Mom longed to be back in her home of 45 years, and as I tried to divert her attention, driving around not know where to go but also longing to take Mom back, let her know that she hadn’t been totally banished…I was conflicted.

            “God, I just wish Mother could be at peace,” Suzy said, and I wondered whether she meant dead.  I certainly think there are worst things than death.  Mother thought so too.  She’d expressed that idea honestly in an interview with the psychologist Kathy and I took her to in 2010, when she was asked to check—or not—“Sometimes I think I would be better off dead.”

            But there might be another kind of peace, the kind that could come while she remained alive—if the Alzheimer’s could be checked by medication—or if the medication that was aggravating Mom’s condition could be taken out of her system.   

On Thu, Sep 1, 2011 at 8:48 AM, Tina Martin <tina_martin@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

I understand what you mean, and it’s occurred to me to “protect” Kathy, but I’m really wondering whether Mom will have the chance to return to visit or at least to feel that she can occasionally leave her place of work.  Her hours are too long there.  She has to work overtime, and they never let her go.  She’s too lucid.  She suffers too much.  I’m concerned about her 90^th birthday.  Would Kathy let her go to Poshard?  (Mom remembers that name, too.)  I would like for Mom to be able to make a choice at least about that.  So maybe her last dream could possibly come true?  I love Kathy, and I want to protect her.  But first I want to see what we can do for Mom beyond what we’ve already done, and I want Kathy to be part of that.  Let’s talk about this on September 10.