The Weight on Mother's Mind

                “I wish I would die just so I wouldn’t have to worry so much,” Mom told me during my first visit.   She spoke with more sincerity than self-pity.

                She seemed very distressed, straining not to do anything to displease her roommate Kay.    Mom felt that people no longer liked her.

                “They’d have to be crazy not to like you,” I told her, hitting it on the head.  ““We love you so much, Mom.”

                “Shh!  People are jealous of me, so you shouldn’t say too much that’s good to me or about me or they’ll hold it against me.”

                I thought, Oh, my God!  If we can’t even praise her or express our love because she fears they’ll hold it against her, what can we do to comfort her?
                “They liked me at first,” she told me, “But now they’re suspicious of me because I made a mistake and told them too much.”

                As she spoke she pointed at the upper part of the wall, indicating that there was some kind of spy mechanism.

                Was that what she’d told them too much about?

                “You don’t know much about spy control,” she whispered to me.

                She referred to the “big wigs” at Aegis.

                 When I started to sit down, she told me, “That’s Kay’s chair,” and then Kay walked in.

                “I want to be able to use my own bathroom, but she’s in there doing her math problems,” Kay said.

                “Her crossword puzzles?” I asked.

                Mom went to the bathroom and tried to get things out of Kay’s way.

                “I just want to be able to use my own bathroom,” Kay said.

                “Okay,” Mom said.  “You can use it today.  I’ll use it another day.”

                But Kay walked back out.

                “These people are old, and they have old brains,” Mom said.

                Soon Kay walked back in.

                 “You’re stealing from me,” she told Mom.

                 “That wasn’t me, honey,” Mom told her very gently.

                Kay walked out once more, and before she came back, Mom ate a couple of the cookies I made, and then a  woman I hadn’t met came in and took the remaining two, so I’d say that if something’s missing, she’s the culprit. 

                “Hi, what’s your name?” I asked her.

                “Hmm,” she said, pausing to reflect.  “That’s hard to remember.”

                She thought for a minute longer and then just took the remaining two cookies I baked for Mom.

                 Then the men brought in the bed, and Mom asked, “How do you like my daughter Tina?”

                They laughed because it really did sound as if she were offering me to them, maybe in return for the bed, or maybe…

                Mom had a card she was going to give Ada for her birthday, which was on the calendar for the day.  (I later realized it was on the calendar for quite a few days.)  But Kay thought the card was something Mom had taken out of her frame.

                “It’s not from your frame, honey,"  Mom said, “But if you want, I’ll tear it up.”

                I made the bed for Mom, who directed, not really finding my bed-making skills up to her standard.

                “Move the bedspread more to the right.  More to the left.  Up farther.  Down.”

                Finally she said, a bit irritably, somewhat exasperated, “That’s the best you’ve done so far,” as if thinking, “What kind of mother did you have that she never taught you how to make a bed?”

                For my whole visit, Mom seemed very tired and was very conciliatory. 

                “People are jealous of me because I told them I was a probation officer,” Mom told me.

                A  sweet med tech named Roxanna came in and after Mom took her medicine (no refusal), Mom said, “I think people are angry with me.  I think people want me out.” 

                 Roxanna said, “No, we all like you.  We want you here.” 

                When Roxanne said goodbye, Mom said, “Thank you for taking a big weight off my mind.”

                I wished  that I could do that, but I was relieved that Aegis had someone who can.