Mom
Tuesday, June 14, 2011 My (Tina’s) report
Dear
Suzy and Kathy,
I had an all-day outing at Point Reyes yesterday, so I went to see Mom later
than usual. I’d already asked her on Sunday about coming later when she
told me she might feel more like going out into the garden in the
evening. So I got there after 5:00 and stayed there about an hour, but
she didn’t feel like going out into the garden. She said she was too
tired.
When I got to Aegis, she was sitting with three very silent people: Franz
and two very old men I’ve never heard speak, though one did growl last
Saturday. Mom seemed very tired but lucid. She greeted me
sweetly. She didn’t seem crazy about their rice-chicken dinner or the
strawberry dessert, which she asked about trading in for the chocolate. I
offered to go get her some chocolate, but she said not to. I think she
felt like only a short, uncomplicated visit, and she hardly felt like
moving. There was really not much to keep her at the table. After
eating, Franz started scraping water from one glass to another and then he
started scraping food from a plate to a bowl—maybe going through motions of
what he did when he helped put food into containers at home? Mother
offered to help him.
When I said one of the five German
phrases that I know, “Danke schön,” he said “Bitte schön,”
but not with much enthusiasm. Then someone named Michael helped him up
and away from the table. Mom said she was too tired to get up, but she
did.
Her room did not smell good, but it helped to get her to take off her totally
soaked first (closest to her) pad. The two she’d put on after it were
dry. I’m wondering whether she keeps adding pads without taking off the
one that is totally soaked. Also, if it’s totally soaked, that
indicates something about her peeing instead of going to the bathroom.
She seemed so tired and kind of confused about just what she should
do. I helped her, and she was receptive to my help.
She really likes the bed pillow/arm chair pillow that you brought her,
Suzy. She refers to it as “the bear.” I forgot to tell you that on
Sunday, at one point—maybe as a joke—she started to feed some of a cookie to
the fuzzy bear pillow.
Kay was still in the dining room when Mom and I first got settled into their
room. I showed Mom the pictures of her and Betty Zulch, whom she
correctly identified. She also recognized our Grandmother Martin, saying
“I believe that’s Elmore’s mother.” (But she didn’t call her
Snooky.) She said she wanted an album to put the pictures in.
Then we looked at The Lazlo Letters, which she’d inscribed to someone back in
1979. There were pictures of someone’s 40th birthday party,
and Kathy, you look about 18 years old!
Then we read a Jon Carroll column on “gleaning,” that act of going through
someone else’s garbage before the Recology collectors pick it up.
Mom said, “Whatever Jon Carroll
hangs out there, I always get excited.” There was a word we didn’t know,
sadhu, so she asked me to look it up in her dictionary. I commented that
the dictionary was so heavy that it felt like a brick, and then I said, “I have
no idea what that means. I’ve never even seen the word before.” Mom
said, “Brick?” I said, “No. Sadhu. I know what brick
means!” And I laughed. She smiled and said, “Well, we hear such alarming
things about the education system these days.”
Kay came in, and Mom, without leaving her bed, was very solicitous. “How
are you feeling? How was your dinner? What did you have. You
can sit down right over there.” Kay said she had a stomachache, but she
sat down and was pleasant if a bit quiet. Mom said she was looking
forward to seeing Jonathan. At one point she said, “I’ll have to go home
and practice.” I reminded her that Kathy had brought by some sheet music,
and she said, “Good.”
After about an hour, I asked Mom whether she’d like me to let her rest and then
come back on Thursday. She said almost apologetically, “You’re always so
sweet, but it might be better. I’m really tired.”
I completely understand Mom’s being too tired to go out into the garden.
But I’m wondering why even when she has more energy , she doesn’t want to go
out. Of course, that was true even on Poshard Street. She always
wanted to stay close to the bathroom and didn’t seem enthusiastic about walking
outdoors even into the back yard or onto the deck. At least that’s how I
remember it. In her Advance Health Care Directive (dated May 11, 2005)
she said that if she were ever in a care facility, she would like to spend a
lot of time outdoors. She wrote “…I wish to live in the least restrictive
and most home-like setting deemed appropriate by my agent. (Kathy)
…I further request that I live as near as possible to my primary residence …I
wish to return home as soon as reasonably possible after any hospitalization or
transfer to convalescent care. If my agent determines that I am not
longer able to live in my home, I wish …as much privacy and autonomy as
possible…I wish to spend significant time outdoors. If I can no longer
travel, I wish my agent to arrange for trips to local parks and other areas
where I may be outdoors in a natural setting.”
Of course, I understand that we shouldn’t force her to honor her Advanced
Health Care Directive! I’ll see her earlier tomorrow—after a 10:00 visit
to a SF friend who has several kinds of cancer.
Love,
Tina
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