Mom
(and David) on June 28 and 29, 2011 During Dana’s visit.
Hi,
Suzy~
Dana got off this morning a little
after 5:00. She wanted Karl, not me, to
take her, so he did! I sent them off
with Magic Cookie Bars, but Dana left a pink purse with lots of $20 bills and a
Master Card under my car seat. I guess
she got off without using it.
David was in pretty good spirits
yesterday. Since we’re going to be
taking him to El Sobrante on Sunday, Dana and I took him to El Tapatio, where
the waitress was really friendly and he ate well. I like those new carpet-like designs they
have on the streets at Fruitvale and International!
As usual, David didn’t have a lot to
say although he did offer that there were two new residents, and one of them
had “eyes like my social worker.” I
thought “Kazuko?” because of my
familiarity with stereotypes, but I asked, “Mary?” and he said, “No. The other one. I don’t remember her name.”
I suggested Reiko, and he agreed,
but I don’t think Reiko is his social worker.
What is her position? Dana pulled
her eyes up with her fingers (with nails that Mom would later say are perfect
for Halloween), and David said that was what he meant by the eyes.
I asked David whether he’d gotten my
postcard from Germany, and he said, “I think the techs stole it!” I expressed doubt and asked, “Do you think
they collect postcards?” and he said,
“Well if they’re concerned, they should ask me about it.” The rest of the time he seemed content to
listen to us—and content was what Dana asked him about being.
“Are you pretty content?”
David said, “Yeah!”
She also asked him whether he knew
about Mom.
“She’s getting old,” he said, and Dana said,
“More than that.”
David said, “She’s losing some of
her senses.”
I told him again how often she asks
about him and expresses the thought and hope that he’s content. I also said--sincerely! When can we arrange
this?-- that we’ll take him to see Mom since she can’t come to see him. (I still have some hope that she might be
able to go out now that she’s not obsessed with staying near the toilet, but I
think the disorientation of going out AND of seeing David for the first time in
so long—When was the last time?
Christmas?--would be too much.)
Dana got home (here) around 11:00
PM, after seeing you, Mom, and Karl’s school in Vallejo. We talked until about 2:00 am.
She told me she’d enjoyed seeing you
and had had a long conversation and then found out that Karl had a flat tire,
which had added to your anxiety about the next day and interview. That was too bad!
Then she told me about seeing Mom
early evening Tuesday, when Karl just dropped her off so he could fix the flat
tire and she could have one-to-one contact with Mom.
She said that Mom showed no
recollection of seeing her the previous
day but seemed happy to see her and said that it was “remarkable” that
she was there.
She also said, “Those are the cutest
shoes and stockings I’ve ever seen. You
look so adorable.”
Mom was watching a show, and Dana
said, “I did my masterpiece of quiet.”
(We’d talked about how we probably
overwhelmed Mom on Monday, and I told her what Jonathan had told me about being
not just patient but calm.)
I think they had a good visit, but Ada
had said she felt left out, and when Mom said, “Well, I haven’t seen this
daughter for five years. Would it be all
right if we talked?” Ada just
scowled.
Then Dana said she tucked Mom into
bed, but Mom got right up again.
Dana said that she thought Mom
seemed elegant and brilliant, and I know what she means. Dana and I don’t always (maybe not even
often) perceive things the same way, but we agreed on that. Mom played Clair du Lune and was, according
to Dana, “at her dignified best.” Dana
said that Mom said she was head of everything and added, “I’m the head of
myself.”
Yesterday, I went in first, while
Dana was using the restroom at Aegis,
and Mom was watching Lucille Ball (again) with a group of other residents. She was sitting perpendicular to Ada, who did
not jump up and ask to be hugged.
Mom seemed to remember that Dana had
come the previous day. When Dana came
in, we moved from the TV room to the garden.
Ada did jump up to go with us, and I told her she was welcome to come
out with us even though I thought it would be nice to have the chance to talk
to Mom without Ada’s complaints that she didn’t feel included. I hoped that Ada would walk around the
garden. I was happy Mom was willing to
go out to the garden even though she said, “We won’t stay long.”
When I said, “Oh, I love that
garden!” she said, “Well, you don’t have to worry about things,” and when I
asked her “what things?” fearing that it was going to be BMs, she said,
“Magical things you have to attend to.”
I think she may really have
forgotten that her reason for staying in for so many months was her bowels.
Someone was leading a gospel sing in
the main living room, and Mom knew another way out—a way that was less
disruptive.
Ada did not walk around the garden
after Mom, Dana, and I were seated. She
said she wanted to sit down too, so I got up and gave her my place. I gave her a picture I took of her and
Karl. But she still said, after a couple
of minutes, “I don’t feel included. I
feel that I’m not wanted.”
We repeated the refrain about the
wish to talk to Dana, who was here from
Chicago, and Ada said, “I know. I just
don’t feel wanted, so I’m going in.”
We said okay, and she went in. Mom said, “I think it’s time for us all to go
in.”
So we did, and there was Ada, who
asked, “Can I come with you?” So…we all
went back in the Perry section, and for a while we sat in the little room with
the stuffed animals. Ada stayed with us,
and repeated her refrain, which led to Mom’s being the
therapist/peace-maker/mediator for the two of them.
Mother said, “Just yesterday, we
went out together.”
Mom also asked her something like,
“How do you plan to reintegrate back into society?” and made a reference to
dealing with the “powers that be.” She
said they could then work on projects.
Mom mentioned politics and maybe a
music event.
“Are you employed now?” Mom asked Ada,
and Ada said, “Yes, but not every day. Once in a while I have to work.”
Mom said that if Ada gave her her
telephone number, she would call her, and they could do something “if you have
the time and interest.”
Then Ada said that she had to take care of
their children, and Mom asked her how old they were.
` “They’re in junior high.”
“And is their father around?” Mom asked.
“I don’t want to talk about that!” Ada said.
Later she said that she and her
husband felt that taking care of the children was the most important thing in
their lives.
Mom asked where they lived, and
first Ada said they lived in Berkeley, and then she said they lived around
Walnut Creek.
Dana commented, “Ada wants to be friends on
her terms,” and Ada said, “No, it doesn’t have to be on my terms, but I just
feel that you’re always scolding me,” and she looked at Mom. Dana said, “Yes, Mom, you do look like
your scolding people,” and I said, “I feel that Mom’s trying to communicate in
a positive way,” and Mom said to Ada, “I think you may be projecting your
anxieties into me.”
Ada said, “Well, you make me feel
that I don’t belong,” and Mom said that she included her there when she was
playing the piano for the residents and “You could have been one of those
persons.”
Ada said, “But that was for everybody,” and
Mom said, “But you were included,” and Ada said, “I just don’t feel I belong,” and Mom said,
“Next time let’s do things differently.
I want us to be close and not fearsome.
I’ll see what I can do.”
At the end of our visit, instead of
saying, “Come again, but don’t come soon” as she had on Monday, she said, “Try
to come more often.”
I was impressed by how Mom was once
again working hard to make peace, to articulate her feelings and give
options.
Carol greeted us as we were leaving
and asked, “How did it go?” Dana and I
answered simultaneously.
Dana said, “Awful!” and I say “Good!”
What do you think?
It’s true that not much of our visit
was directed towards Dana. The questions
Mom had about her were questions she asked on Tuesday, apparently, when Mom
asked questions that were really about when Dana was first married.
But I think that Dana got to see Mom
functioning purposefully—alive and active in the moment and being part of
society.
Remember how, in the hospital, when
we told Mom that she’d be going to a retirement home she said, “I’ll be an
outcast from society, and I’ll be forgotten.”
I think she really feels she’s connecting with society at Aegis even if
she’s having to work really hard to get through to people like (are any other
people like?) Ada.
(She wasn’t really connecting with
society on Poshard Street, where she was almost a recluse—making demands and,
ultimately, accusations rather than playing the social worker!) Oh,
and I forgot to mention Kay. At one
point we went to the patio area behind the dining area, and I showed Mom some
pictures I’d taken of her and Dana and Karl, and then I went to get the white
binder album for the pictures, and Kay was sitting on Mom’s bed. I said hello and she said hello and then
added, “I’d just like you to get her things and get out of here.” Kay’s
daughter Donna was visiting, and when Mom came in to use the bathroom, Kay
repeated the “I’d like you to get your things and get out of here,” and Mom
said something like, “Well, maybe I can find another room or another roommate,”
and Kay said, “What’s wrong with you?”
Mom said, “Well, I think that there
must be something wrong with me or you wouldn’t want me out of here.”
I’m not sure whether we ever
reminded Mom that rejection can sometime reflect on the rejector more than on
the rejectee, but that certainly fit into a talk Dana and I had about Good Will Hunting and the break-through
moment when the therapist said, “It’s not your fault…It’s not your fault…It’s
not your fault.”
And each time Will said, “I
know! I know! I know!”
until he finally really heard and started sobbing.
I think we were with Mom from around
1:40 to 3:00, but I’m not sure.
Dana and I then called Kathy and
went by and had a nice dinner together at La Pomodoro!
I think we dropped Kathy off on
Poshard around 8:00 PM. All, and all, I
think it was a really nice visit. I feel
pretty good about how Mom’s adjusting, and I think that Kathy and Dana do
too. How do you feel?
I hope you’ll soon hear that your
job is more secure and you’re contracted in a new and better way.
Love,
Tina
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