“Was I There Too?” And Thoughts on Being Less of a Nuisance

“Was I There Too?” And Thoughts on Being Less of a Nuisance

Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 1:46 PM

Subject: Thoughts on Being Less of a Nuisance

Dear Suzy and Kathy,

                I forgot to mention that I may have made a nuisance of myself, and I’m trying to think of how not to do that in the future.  I was so happy to find Mom in the dining room, but it resulted in the staff’s doing more to serve us.  First, they brought us soda, and I don’t think Mom or any of us drink that, so I asked for iced tea.  Then they prepared a plate for Mom, which she decided she didn’t want.

 I think tomorrow I’ll bring some milk, which we can keep in the refrigerator (unless Mom decides it’s poisoned and throws it away).  

I’m also wondering whether I should try to come later so I’m not spoiling Mom’s appetite in case she wants to eat in the dining room.  What do you think?

                I also think I forgot to tell you that when I told her about Mother’s Day, she asked, “Was I there too?”

A Better Day In Spite of the Execution

A Better Day for Mom In spite of the Execution

Tuesday, May 10, 2011 

A Better Day for Mom In spite of the Execution

Tuesday, May 10, 2011 

Dear Suzy and Kathy,

            Mom was in so much better shape today!

             When I arrived around 10:50, she and Carol were at a table in their dining room, and Mom greeted me, teeth in her mouth, and said, “Oh, honey, you came the wrong day.”

             I asked, “Why?  What’s wrong with today?”

            Mom said, “Today’s the day they’re planning the execution and trying to make it look bloodless.”

             I said, “Wow!  Mom!  You have a great imagination,” and I immediately berated myself (silently) for saying that, but it didn’t seem to bother her.  

            I said, “You’re Carol, right?” to the person I hope was Carol, and she nodded.

             I asked Mom if she’d like me to get them something to eat (I’d left both the soup and the cookies I made at home!), and Mom said, “Why not?” 

            Carol said, “It doesn’t matter,” but Mom liked the idea, so I decided to go to Safeway as you suggested, Kathy, and get some of their potato soup and a sandwich. 

            As I was leaving the dining area, I heard Mom tell Carol, “That’s my next to the oldest.” 

            She’s never forgotten who we are, and some of the people there don’t even remember who they are.

            When I got back Joy was at the table with Mom and Carol and doing some water painting with a group using our Mother’s Day table.  Mom and Joy both ate very, very heartily!  Then Joy went off, and Dory came by to say, “You didn’t come to see me!”  or something like that.  So we invited her to sit at the table, and she did.

            Then Kay came over, and she said something to Mom that was a little bit confrontational, and Mom responded in a more polite manner, and then Kay said, “I can’t hear a thing you’re saying!”

            “Well, then, why don’t you lean closer?”  Mom asked gently.

            Mother continued to be very polite and solicitous.

            She gave Joy most of her sandwich.

            When I thought it might be nice to try Mother’s Day again to take advantage of her much better mental and emotional state, I asked her whether I could go get the cards we’d given her that day, and she consented. 

            But as soon as she saw the one I’d made her, she said, “Yes, I remember this one, and I put it away in the drawer for a reason.” 

            Then she whispered to me, “Don’t you ever bring me anything that could make the others feel jealous!” 

            You may be right, Suzy, that Adele took off with the card that you gave Mom.  I didn’t see it, so at least it didn’t make all the others jealous unless Adele showed it to people.

             I brought out Contrary to Popular Opinion, and Mom told me, “Find the simplest ones.  Simple.  They’re very slow.” 

            So I did, and even I could follow what I was reading.

            I thought it might be nice for Mom to have lunch with the others, and she almost did. 

Divina and another aid brought us diet soda, which Mom has never drunk to my knowledge.  We asked for iced tea, which they brought, but I guess we could get her iced tea and a straw.  That apple juice they serve is really awful.

            All and all it was a really nice hour and a half.  Mother seemed better than she was any of the days I visited last week.  I hope she’s doing as well when Nan comes tomorrow. 

            When I reminded her that Nan would be coming, Mom asked Divina, “Would it be all right for me to bring a friend to lunch tomorrow?” and Divina said, “Sure.”

            So…except for the opening remark about the execution, Mom seemed to be doing really well!

            Love,  Tina

Mother's Day 2011

Mother’s Day, May 8, 2011

Dear Jonathan,

            Thank you so much for the WikiLeaks release confirming me as the World’s Best Mom Born after 1921.  I’d been focusing so much on the World’s Best Mom Born in 1921 that I’d forgotten I was a mother too! 

            I can remember when her life was so full that one year when we called to see what she’d like to do on Mother’s Day, she already had plans!  She changed those plans, which were with the friends she’s now turning away most days, telling them they’ve got to get out quick because she doesn’t want them to get hurt by the demons in the place. 

            We knew she might have a day like that today.  But we still had hope and a Plan A and a Plan B.  I reserved the beautiful room in Aegis that looks out on the garden.  Remember how she said in her Advance Health Care Directive that if she ever had to live in a care facility, she wanted to spend as much time outdoor as possible?  Most days she’s too frightened to go even around the corner.  So we had a Plan B—the dining room where she usually has her meals if she’s willing to leave her room.

            We were going to include Kay and Ada too in case their families didn’t come for them.  Kay can be civil.  Just a couple of days ago when I came to visit, Mom was talking to her in a really sweet, soothing way, as if Mom were her counselor, which Mom sometimes believes she is.  She seems to think she works at Aegis, and I think she wonders when her work day will end so she can go home.

            Anyway, Javier and I got there before Kathy and Suzy, and Mom was still in her nightgown and without her teeth.  She keeps losing them, and since they cost $4000, the staff has suggested that we not replace them until Mom is in a less agitated state.  Last week she broke the glass of two emergency fire extinguishers.  But that was when she was on Seroquel, and they’ve taken her off that.  Now it’s Zyprexa and Ativan.

            I’d brought vases as well as flowers for both Mom and Kay, but Kay wasn’t in the room, and Mom said this wasn’t a good day for us to come because she was going to be executed.

            Of course, we gave up on the idea of the garden dining room, but we did set up a pretty table for her in what they call the Recollection/Memories section (not specifying that they mean long-term memory and recollections from long ago.)  

            “Just come and take a look,” I said.  “And if you don’t want to stay, you don’t have to.”

            Suzy and Kathy had set up a long table on one side of the dining room—the side the farthest away from the corner where Mom plays the piano. 

            “Oh, hell!” Mom said when she saw the pretty spread.  “Don’t you see?  It’s all been poisoned.”

            “Mom, you’re just having a nightmare,” Suzy told her, and she got her to sit down.

            “I’m going to have to eat it all.  I don’t want you to get poisoned!” Mom said.

            She took the ice cream scoop from the carton and started shoveling the ice cream in her mouth.  Then she reached for the cake and started slashing it.

            The Aegis staff, always gentle and patient, came to her.

            “It’s all been poisoned,” Mom said, standing.  She turned to the other residents in the room and said, “I have an announcement.  Don’t eat the food.  It’s all been poisoned.”

            The Aegis staff calmly walked her back into her room, and then, seeing that none of the poisoned food could really be salvaged for the others or for Mom in a better frame of mind, Kathy and Suzy dumped all of the ice cream and cake into the garbage can. 

             “I wish I were dead,” Mom told me.

            “I’m sorry to hear that, Mom, because we love you so much.”

            She’s terrified of being killed and yet she really wishes she were dead.

              I thought of that John Donne poem we talked about with Mom that Mother’s Day you and I saw W;t at the ACT. 

            “And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.” 

            Mom knew why the punctuation mattered.  Just how much pause was there between death and the death of death? I was trying to remember why she hadn’t seen the play with us, and then I remembered that she’d already gotten tickets to see it in Ashland with friends—the friends she’s now turning away.  That’s one of the things that makes this so agonizing.  We thought we’d be able to comfort her by visiting her so she would know she hadn’t been forgotten, but her state of mind cannot take visitors.

            John Donne may be right that death won’t last.  But right now Mom makes me think more of Dylan Thomas.  “I will not go gentle into that good night.”  But it’s not a good night.  It’s a nightmare. 

            I know what you say.  The fact that her life has ended up this way doesn’t negate all the wonderful years when she was a model of how to live life fully.  But she used to quote that saying, “Count no man happy until the end is known.”    I wonder who said that.  The Best Mom Born in 1921 would know or would have known.

            Oh, but I don’t want to end my letter this way.  I much prefer the beginning of that New York Times article:  “In what may be the most sensational release yet by WikiLeaks, the organization has produced a new cache of documents that includes a United Nations report confirming that Tina Martin is the World’s Best Mom (born after 1921). 

            Now we’ll start planning Mom’s 90^th birthday celebration and hope that when the end is known, we can count her happy.

            Love,

            Mom