Sunday, December 23, 2012

Losing Her Filter

I don't have time to edit, so I'm going to paste what I've copied from a fictionalized version of what really happened in 2004, more than seven years before Mom's death, when she may have lost her filter.


A Mother and Another

            Maxine had two extra tickets to the latest American Conservatory Theatre production, so Sara had invited her son and his girlfriend, who were to be her dinner guests that evening, a few days before she left on a trip, but Mark had told her that he and Yasmine had too much to do during the day.
 “Is the A.C.T. doing A Mother?”  he asked. “Because Grandmother said she was interested in seeing that.”
 “Oh, I didn’t think of her,”  Sara said, “because I didn’t think she liked to come into San Francisco any more.” 
In the past few months, Sara and her eighty-three-year-old mother had had a couple of incidents when they had planned to get together just for fun—not just to visit Sara’s brother, who was institutionalized because of  schizophrenia.  Her mother had wanted to come into San Francisco, where Sara lived, but she had gotten sick, side effects  from the medicine she took, so both times that she had tried, she had had to cancel, and Sara offered to go to Oakland instead from then on.
Now that she thought about it, there had never been a from there on because her mother had always had to cancel their plans in the East Bay too.  Sara had gone to Oakland only when the whole family was getting together for a holiday or someone’s birthday.
Sara had looked forward to taking her mother to A Mother and introducing her to her friends, the teachers who shared the discount seats on the second balcony.  Sara’s mother had almost never expressed any interest in meeting Sara’s friends.  When Mark had been a little boy and Sara and his father had had parties for him or open houses, they’d always invited Sara’s mother along with their best friends, but her mother never accepted the invitations and always preferred to have her own party—just a family party—for Mark.  Over the years, Sara’s mother and Mark had grown very close, as Sara and her mother and Sara and Mark, had grown less close. 
“Grandparents and grandchildren always get along,” Sara said, quoting an anonymous  quip,  “because they have a common enemy.”
But this day, shortly before Sara was to leave on a trip, she would be taking her mother to the play and later taking her son and his girlfriend to dinner.   She realized that one of the problems with her relationship with her son was that she needed his help, which was one of  her problems with her mother, who needed hers to have the strength and help to see her son, Sara’s brother.  On the rare occasions when Sara’s son came to see her, she always had a list of things she needed to ask him about—computer glitches, things around the house that didn’t work.  This time she had hoped to get his help watering her plants while she was away, but shortly after she had asked him, he and his girlfriend Yasmine had planned a trip for the period she would be away.  So on this day she was taking them out to dinner just to see them, just to say goodbye, right after she and her mother saw A Mother.
Maxine said she still had another ticket and was inviting a friend, so maybe they’d just come separately.
“Oh, but I’d really like you to meet my mother,” Sara said.  “I think you’d like each other.”
They hadn’t.  Maxine seemed to be in a surly mood.  Sometimes she was good-natured and appreciative, and sometimes she was critical and blunt, and this had been a critical and blunt day.  Maybe it had started off with Sara’s mother’s bluntness, which was directed at Sara, not at Maxine—soft barbs on Sara’s driving, on Sara’s absent-mindedness.  Maxine and Sara’s mother had joined forces at first.  Maybe it wasn’t just grandchildren and children who had a common enemy.  Maybe it was any two people when there was a third.
But she was proud of her mother, who told them she’d been reading the play and who handed Maxine a big book on literary criticism she’d checked out of the library because it had insights into the play.  At one point on their way to the theatre, her mother said something Sara thought was very witty, and she asked, “Did you hear that, Maxine?”
“Huh?  I’m sorry.  I wasn’t listening.  I was reading the pages your mother has marked.”
How could Maxine not be listening to their conversation?  Sara herself was getting drunk on it, it was so intoxicating!  Oh, but Maxine was a Mormon, a Latter Day Saint, for whom intoxication was a sin.
Maxine, who usually took the MUNI to the theatre with Sara,  gave very specific directions on how to drive there so that they would be on the right side of the theatre to drop off Sara’s mother, who had trouble walking a distance.  Maxine did not like the idea of her dropping them off  at the corner of Mason and Geary, so they’d taken a long drive around Union Square, and by the time Sara had parked at the O’Farrell Garage and walked back, she had just enough time to give her mother the bag her mother had left in the car and get seated.
Because of her fear of heights, Sara sat on a different row, farther away from the railing, but she could see her mother talking to Maxine before the theatre lights went off, and she thought of her mother all through the play, which had very clever dialogue.  Her mother reminded her of the mother in the play—sharp tongued and sharp-witted. 
But at intermission, her mother had said, “It’s not what I expected.  I had confused it with Brecht’s The Mother.  That’s the play I was reading.  The characters in this play all leave me cold.”
Then she apologized for the beeping noise her medicine case had made during the play.  She had taken out the battery to get the noise to stop, but she’d forgotten to take the medicine.
“It goes off to remind me to take my medicine,” she explained to Maxine, “and I almost always remember to turn it off in the theatre because there’s usually an announcement before a show begins.”
“Yes,” Sara said playfully, “there was the announcement about turning off cell phones and pagers and unwrapping candy, but there was no announcement about medicine cases.”
“Was there really an announcement?” Sara’s mother asked, looking distressed.
“Yes,” Maxine said, “but you were talking.”
            “We were talking?”  Sara’s mother asked.
            You were talking,” Maxine said.
“Oh!”  Sara’s mother said.  I was talking!  I thought I was talking to you, but that would mean that we were talking.  So it was a monologue, was it?”
In the women’s room, Sara’s mother said, “I hope I didn’t offend your friend saying that I didn’t like the play.”
“Oh, I think it’s interesting to hear your opinion about the characters and what you were expecting.  You just might not want to add that “it left me cold”  part if the tickets are a gift.”
“Thank you so much for that advice,” her mother said, with sarcasm so pleasantly toned that Sara wasn’t sure it really was sarcasm.  “I don’t know what I would do without it.” 
Later Sara asked Maxine to take a picture of her mother and her by the poster advertising A Mother, a poster with Russian Nesting dolls, with the Mother doll out center front, where Olympia Dukakis had been.  She was starting to feel the mortality of her mother and want more pictures of her, of them.
            
Later in the evening, Sara’s mother joined them for dinner and insisted upon paying—something she didn’t often do although at her house she oftened hosted family gatherings, and Mark was her guest every Thursday, when he came over straight from where he worked, in a town on her mother’s  side of the Bay Bridge.
They talked a lot, and Sara found herself  responding to her mother’s funny, feisty comments with a feistiness of her own, but one that seemed to come across as less endearing than that of her mother.
Sara told her son and her girlfriend the basic plot about a mother’s need to forge a will to keep her family together and to keep them “beholden” to her. 
“But at the end, after she’s gotten her will and she’s left on stage with only her daughter and her daughter-in-law, she starts to hear things that they can’t hear.  People screaming.  And finally she says, ‘I’ll never know a moment’s peace.’”
“Did she say that?” Sara’s mother asked?  “I didn’t hear her say that.”
“That was the last line of the play,” Sara said.  “Wouldn’t it be funny if you didn’t really hear the lines, and you’re criticizing the play the way I sleep through whole scenes and still criticize a play.  Not seeing and not hearing should never interfere with higher criticism.”
            “I hope I wasn’t tactless about not liking the play,” her mother said again.
            “You know, Mother, my friends think of me as being very tactlesss because I’ll say things like ‘Did you like that?  I hated it!’  So now they’ll know where I got my bluntness.”
 “Ooooh!”   Yasmine said, in a consoling voice, turning to Sara’s mother and patting her on the shoulder.
Then Yasmine, who had recently graduated in Molecular Cell Biology from CAL Berkeley, began telling stories of the vicious competitiveness among students at that university, refusing to help other students check their homework, lying that they didn’t have it with them before turning it in.  Snitching on a student who sneaked in to turn in a late paper.  Letting another student see their deliberately wrong Scantron answer sheets and then changing the answers to the correct ones before turning it in. 
“Gee!”  Sara said.  My students help each other cheat.  I think I prefer my students’ attitude.  But they’d all do so much better if they followed written instructions.  I tell them, ‘It would take you much less time if you’d just follow the guidelines.’”
“That sounds so sanctimonious,” Sara’s mother said.
“Oh, well, that’s the  reputation I have-- for being sanctimonious,” Sara said, “if they only knew the word.  Shall I work on expressing myself  in that non-sanctimonious manner I haven’t quite mastered?  I think it’s called non-defensive communication.”
“Yes,” Sara’s mother said, “let’s hear you.”
Sara asked the waitress for the check, and so did Sara’s mother, who was more assertive, perhaps, or whose will was more highly honored because of her greater age.
Mark said he would drive his grandmother back to her home in the East Bay.  But first, he would drop  his mother off at her house   (the one he would inherit without the problems of the characters in that play, Sara reflected)  a few blocks from the restaurant.
            “I’m so glad I got you a four-door car,” Sara told Mark as they all got into the used car she’d given him for graduation.  “I guess I’m a pretty good mother!”
            “Yes, you are,” Mark said, as Yasmine laughed-- appreciatively, Sara thought, rather than derisively. 
            On their way to her house, she tried out a less sanctimonious explanation for her students.
“You know,”  Sara began, “a lot of us would have an easier time if we just followed directions or looked over lists.  I know I’ll make a shopping list, but once I’m at the grocery store, I think I remember, so I don’t look at my list until I get home.  And then I realize that I forgot the detergent, which was right there on my list.  Don’t do what I do, and you will succeed!”
But now it was time for Sara to get out of the car, and they wished her a good trip.  “And you too!” she said.  “I love you all.”
She hugged her mother, who was still in her seat belt and then leaned over to the front seat, where her son and his girlfriend were seated,  and tried to hug them. 
They got out of the car to make it easier.
            As she started up the stairs, she turned to watch them drive away. 
            She would write to her mother the next day, when her mother would start feeling plagued with guilt for being tactless.  She would address the envelope to A Mother, and between the A and the Mother she would put in adjectives like funny, wonderful, witty, beautiful.  And she’d thank her mother for the dinner and make it clear in her that she  had been a charming mother, not a tactless one.
            And then she’d send an e-mail to her son and apologize for having been so tactless with his grandmother.

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